Smart parenting: Smart way to handle tantrums
2010/03/13

ZAID MOHAMAD

IN some aspects, parenting is not very different from managing a business.
At work, we negotiate with the suppliers, customers or even our boss.

And at home, we negotiate with our children.

Let’s take a peek at what goes on inside smart parents’ “boardroom” to see how they successfully negotiate with their offspring and winning the tantrum war. Little children are the best negotiators in the world! They tend to use one tactic that adults rarely use – crying.

Sometimes they would scream and throw tantrums as well. For better effect, the crying is usually dramatised by jumping, rolling on the floor or banging their heads on the wall.

These tactics work best in public and most times, the children will get what they want.

Sounds familiar? Have you seen the drama before? Or worse, were you in one before? However, not all negotiations are horrible and dramatic.

There will be times when your children will catch you off guard by using a more “pleasant” tactic such as making cute faces while tilting the head to one side, followed by the rapid blinking of the eyes. Whatever the tactic is, there surely will be something they want to warrant such behaviour.

It could be a toy, an ice-cream, wanting to go somewhere, or wanting to get something. As adults, what do you do if you want something? You ask first, and if that does not work, you negotiate.

This is the same for children, except that their negotiation tactics can be rather dramatic. So, what can we do? First, we should avoid potential drama, if possible. Use parental instincts to anticipate the tantrum triggers. For example, if you are in the mall and your children have a weak spot for candy, avoid candy stores. Second, use distraction.

Offer to see or do something else that may be better. If the situation is negotiable, you can make a deal with your children.

For instance, you can say, “If I buy you this toy, you must promise to pick it up and keep your room neat.” But if the situation is non-negotiable, then you must make your stand clear. Explain the reason behind your decision and be prepared to use your veto power if needed. Third, be consistent with your approach.

These little negotiators will understand that their Mummy and Daddy are fair but firm in dealing with their tactics. Smart parents know that by giving in once, the little ones will realise that their tactics work and will resort to such tantrums at the next opportune moment.

Basically, parents need to nip this in the bud so that their children will not grow up spoiled. They should respond only to genuine cries such as hunger, pain or discomfort. Are you able to recognise the tactics and successfully negotiate yourself out of the “boardroom of horrors”? Well, all the best! • Zaid Mohamad is a parenting coach and the author of Smart Parents, Brighter Kids.

In this issue, we will discuss special children. No, I’m not talking about musical geniuses, though there is a category of students who are called “child prodigies,” and only the most advanced teachers should be involved in their training.

Instead, I am referring to those children who are quick to learn everything that comes their way, including their music lessons, but are far from being “child prodigies.”

Look around – there are plenty of them among us. Such capable children do not need to spend long hours studying in order to do the homework. All they have to do is focus on the topic for a short period of time, and the result is obvious!

Many of us can only dream of having such abilities for ourselves or our children. And there are many envious people among such a child’s schoolmates and even his parents’ social circle who will be jealous of his talents.

It’s up to you whether to believe me or not, but there comes a time when these quick-witted children start to suffer from poor results not only in musical school, but also in their regular academic studies.

Have you ever heard or used the phrase “talented but lazy” while characterizing your child?

Let’s try to determine just how lazy our talented, gifted children really are.

Having noticed the child’s talent for music, doting parents will aspire to find the best music teacher as soon as possible. And they are doing the right thing! The professional will help the child’s talent rise and bloom.

Next, the music lessons begin. The child is delighted to hear and learn new things. After the lesson he can’t keep his mouth shut – he has so much to tell! During a lesson, such a child easily absorbs new knowledge, just like a sponge. As soon as he touches the keys, his hands and fingers acquire the right form. He finds and names the notes in the textbook and on the keyboard with ease. Listen how adroitly he uses those foreign musical terms!

After literally two months the child can be called a small expert. He wins the affections of his teacher, his parents, and everyone around due to his talent. Mother and father have a whole bunch of tremendous stories about their child’s great memory, attention and newly acquired skills. Indeed, they have a point: imagine that the beginner musician is given the task of dividing a new piece of music into bars and phrases, and while he was doing it, he learned it by heart!

Saving time for memorizing, the talented child is capable of considerably expanding his curriculum repertoire; the child is ready to leap forward, far ahead of children with more modest musical abilities.

Soon you start hearing other parents say, “You have such a talented child! Anything you ask, he knows. I can tell that you spend a lot of time helping him study.”

It is certainly very flattering to hear something like this, although you, like all parents, have many duties around the house and the right to rest and spend time alone or with your spouse. Besides, you didn’t quit your regular job or a few part-time ones. As a matter of fact, you, as well as the music teacher, don’t seem to make great efforts in the child’s additional training – after all, he is so capable! Why interfere with his natural development? On the contrary, you practically do not put any effort into the studying process – your child runs to the instrument and shows you what he has already learned. Very frequently, you either have no idea how to play a musical instrument or have forgotten how to do it: a lot of time has passed since then

Part 2:

Let’s just admit it: there’s no parent who would refuse to have a child with remarkable, seemingly inborn musical abilities.

So, the child is praised. You, the parents, of course, stand by in admiration; the teacher is proud; and all the people who know you and your talented child are awed and amazed. And rightly so! Your child is creating very pleasant and unforgettable sensations… they fill you up from your head to your toes.

But some time goes by and the music teacher says that your child, depending on his age, should train at home for no less than an hour or an hour and a half each day. You quietly nod, taking the teacher’s request into consideration, and continue to go about your day as usual, occasionally asking your child how many minutes (hours) he spends playing the instrument. You agree with the teacher that the curriculum has become more and more complex and will require additional time for your child to learn. And again you are sure that your child will be able to do this because he is so talented.

Does any of this sound familiar?

Let’s go further. After a while, the music teacher says that today the student came to the lesson absolutely not prepared and strongly urges you to track his progress and studying at home. You are at loss; it’s not possible! How could this happen? Yet on this very day as well as the following one, having put aside all other matters, you, as parents, demand the continuous sound of the instrument during a specific time. And during such time, you are listening very attentively to every single sound. You often notice that he plays unevenly, so you ask him to repeat the piece or a part of it again and again.

After the next lesson you wait for the teacher’s comments like a man on trial waits for a verdict. The teacher appears to be happy, starts to praise you and says that the improvements are significant and that he can see “You worked with him,” and your child “can,” but “does not want to” and advises you to extirpate the child’s laziness. You agree with the teacher just like before. He must know what he is talking about! And the child, having picked up the teacher’s idea, repeats to everyone: “I can! I am just too lazy!”

Next, you notice that recently your child has become preoccupied with other interests, so you begin to struggle against his laziness. Besides your requests for him to play the instrument, you give vast lectures on having to study even though he might not feel like it. You use yourself as an example and say that you go for work against your desire, and eventually you say that the child simply must study and he will thank you for it in the future…

One thing about “lectures”: they vary, and I don’t need to list them: you know them better than I do. I can, however, tell you a secret – your “lectures” are absolutely useless to your child. They are not convincing. Threats will not work, either.

Unfortunately, very few parents care what is actually happening with their child during these moments. But after you solve this problem, he will – just like he did in the beginning – run over to the instrument.

So what happened? Your child indeed became a bit lazy. He lost his interest in the lessons. And each of us knows that laziness does not appear out of the blue; there must be serious reasons for it.

Some interesting stories on this subject are in my book, “Voices of our Children”, where I look not only at the reasons for laziness, but also the ways of dealing with such difficult situations.

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Tatiana Bandurina – an educator, an inventor and
award-winning author of “Voices of Our Children”. She
invites you to visit the website http://www.quintecco.com
and know more about Music Education for Parents.

Hope you’re having a great Valentine’s Day!

Sylvia

Getting the most from an Au Pair
Copyright (c) 2010 Jamie Lyons

If you’re one of the thousands of households who have
embraced the benefits of taking on an Au Pair, then you
will more than likely be fully aware of the extent to which
the extra pair of hands can lighten the load of day to day
tasks. In addition to this you will no doubt have also
experienced the positives an Au Pair brings socially and
culturally. Making an Au Pair welcome and ensuring the most
mutually advantageous environment for all involved, does
however involve a little work. To help you along, we’ve
compiled the following tips and advice:

Communication and Respect

Communication and mutual respect are both crucial from the
outset when incorporating an Au Pair into the family. In
the first few weeks especially it is vital that you invest
plenty of time in helping your Au Pair to adjust to a new
culture and the differences in language. Actively exercise
patience and be sure to communicate clearly and with simple
language if necessary. They are not on holiday but nor are
they your servant. It is prudent to bear in mind that
cultural differences will make things a little strange for
both of you at first.

If your Au Pair is experiencing difficulty in understanding
verbal communication then it can be a good idea to write
things down and advise they use a bi-lingual dictionary to
translate it. Another surprisingly effective tool to help
them to gain a firm grasp of English is television, not
just in the form of language tutorial DVDs but also general
programming, as such, installing a television in their
bedroom is a great way to speed up the learning process.

Social Inclusion

To help your Au Pair build confidence and generally boost
their enjoyment of their experience in the country, look to
introduce them to other Au Pairs in the area and also
assist them in registering with a local college. At college
they will not only further build upon language skills, but
also develop a social network outside of the house. As
previously stated, they are not in the country purely to
service your needs but also for their own enjoyment and
development.

An Au Pair’s free time must be their own. By all means
invite them to join in with family activities, but do not
restrict them from using this leisure time in the manner of
their choosing, whether that be going out or staying in
their room. An Au Pair is also fully aware that you and
your partner are likely to want some quality time alone and
will be sure to adhere to that.

Driving

If you need your Au Pair to be able to drive it is your
responsibility to arrange and pay for their car insurance,
equally the onus is on you to ensure that their driving
licence is acceptable for driving in the UK. An Au Pair’s
driving ability is likely to be unknown until they have
been placed with you, as such it is good practice to
arrange for a 2 hour driving lesson such that a qualified
instructor can assess their driving ability and road
safety, This is particularly paramount if they are expected
to drive children, remember that this is your
responsibility.

These pointers are only a small selection of the factors to
consider when welcoming an Au Pair, but provide a solid
foundation and help to ensure that both your family and
your Au Pair get the maximum benefit and enjoyment from
their placement.

—————————————————-
Written by Jamie Lyons on behalf of
http://www.aupairsdirect.co.uk – the UK’s premier Au Pair
Agency.

I just found this great article about Quiet Family Fun Activities and
just had to share it with everyone.

Fun activities for kids – When all you need is a little quiet
Copyright (c) 2010 Ivana Katz

With school holidays upon us, are you finding you don’t
have enough hours in the day to take care of everything you
need to as well as keep your children occupied? Do you
need a little quiet to think? Here are a few activities
that may help.

Silent Tattoos
Age suitability: 2+

A great silent game is Tattoos. Ask your child to close
their eyes and promise not to peep. You, the tattoo artist,
then draw an imaginary tattoo on the palm of their hand,
with your finger. Start with easy shapes like a star, a
square, a heart or a face. When the tattoo is complete,
whoever has been sitting still with their eyes closed has
to guess and whisper what you drew. Repeat the drawing as
many times as necessary and swap roles if you want.

Peepo!
Age suitability: Very young

If you have a young child who is just ready for
interaction, produce a scarf for a quick game of Peepo.
She’ll be delighted if your smiley face is revealed every
time she calls your name. Create a sock puppet and make her
giggle by giving it a squeaky voice. Or find a book filled
with pictures of animals and perfect your animal noises
together. You may not be able to have fluent conversations
just yet, but you can still have a good chat in moos, roars
and woofs.

Mime That Rhyme!
Age suitability: 3+

One player mimes the actions of a nursery rhyme and the
other players must guess which it is. So, if someone is
holding up three fingers, closing their eyes and twitching
their nose, they’re probably trying to mime Three Blind
Mice. If they pretend to be a cat, play the violin, moo
like a cow and then draw an imaginary moon in the sky, go
for Hey, Diddle Diddle. If players need something more
challenging, move on to pop tunes — McFly and Mika
song titles are much more difficult.

Odd or Even?
Age suitability: 6+

A deceptively simple game for two players that is strangely
addictive! The first player is the Hider and places one
hand behind their back (or under the foldaway table) and
chooses whether to keep one, two, three or four fingers
extended (thumbs don’t count in this game). The other
player is the Guesser and decides if the number of fingers
hidden is odd or even. As soon as the Guesser calls out his
choice, the Hider must reveal his hand instantly. If the
Guesser is correct, he scores a point and has another go.
If he is incorrect, he remembers his score and becomes the
Hider. The first player to get up to 21 points is the
winner.

Chill-Out Challenge
Age suitability: 3+

This works well if your child has a sibling who they can
compete against. It is a good method of using family
rivalry to encourage good sleeping habits! Each weekday
morning, get them to record how long they spent in bed the
night before – not just the number of hours asleep, but
also the amount of time in pyjamas, lying down in bed and
‘Chilling-Out’ in a calm environment. So reading books or
listening to music is allowed, but computer games are out.
Count up totals on Friday morning and the one who’s notched
up the most hours gets to stay up later on Saturday!

—————————————————-
Ivana Katz of Hey Gorgeous Kids can read your mind – she
shows you how to make parenting fun, keep your children
entertained for hours with FREE fun activities for kids,
create special memories, do some serious shopping, explore
exciting parks & playgrounds and so much more!!! Get a free
special report “What You Need to Know Before Travelling
with Kids” – http://www.heygorgeouskids.com